There are signs everywhere for Breadcakes.
Around the shop are basket upon basket of breadcakes it would appear that no-one is interested in.
A Customer enters.
Customer: "I'd like a chocolate eclair and a cream horn, please."
Baker: "Breadcakes in the morning..."
Customer: "I beg your pardon?"
Baker: "For all your breadcake needs."
Customer: "Are you quite alright?"
Baker: "Yes, sir. Never better. What would you like? A breadcake?"
Customer: "No. Thank you. I'd like a chocolate eclair and a cream horn, please..."
Customer: "So you said..."
Customer: "Should I come back when you are feeling a little better?"
Baker: "I'm perfectly fine., sir. Have you seen our morning breadcakes? You can now get them online."
Baker: "Breadcakes for you. At your convenience."
Customer: "Right. You see, I don't want a breadcake. Real or virtual. I'd just like a chocolate eclair and a cream horn, if that isn't too much of a stretch?"
Baker: "Made with local ingredients. For you. Today's breadcakes. Today. "
Customer: "Yes. You did mention that. I'm not interested in breadcakes, however. I'd just like a chocolate eclair, a cream horn and to get the fuck away from this shop as quickly as possible."
Baker: "You see we've done research that shows that many people in your demographical area really rather like breadcakes. That's why we've spent so much money on a new breadcake maker. And these signs."
Baker: "It's about customer choice, sir. The breadcake YOU want, when YOU want it."
Customer: "At the risk of seeming coarse and ungrateful adter all this effort, I don't want any fucking breadcakes. I'm sick of hearing about your fucking breadcakes. If anything, all this talk of fucking breadcakes is putting me off ever having another fucking breadcake for the rest of my days. In fact, I wish you'd shut up about your fucking breadcakes and just get me a chocolate eclair and a cream horn.."
Baker: "Certainly, sir. This is, after all, the Big British Cake Shop - home of the famous breadc.."
Customer: "NYYAAARGGHHH!! SHUT UP ABOUT BREADCAKES! I CAN SEE THAT YOU MAKE BREADCAKES!! EVERY FUCKING POSTER AND SIGN IN YOUR SHOP IS ABOUT BREADCAKES! BUT I DON'T WANT BREADCAKES... I WANT A CHOCOLATE FRIGGING ECLAIR AND CREAM COCKING HORN!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND??"
Baker: "Yes, sir, but I was just.."
Customer: "IF THE NEXT SENTENCE CONTAINS THE WORDS 'BREAD' AND 'CAKE' IN THE IMMEDIATE VICINITY OF ONE ANOTHER I SHALL INSERT A ROLLING-PIN UP YOU!!"
Baker: "It's just.. Well.."
Customer: "WELL WHAT?"
Baker: "The work experience boy hasn't made all the chocolate eclairs yet. Or cream horns. Or any of the other confectionery."
Customer: "Work experience? Why is the work experience boy making all the chocolate eclairs and cream horns?"
Baker: "Well, sir, I'm afraid we had to fire all the bakers that specialised in making cakes and fancies and all the other things that people actually enjoyed, to pay for the breadcake-maker. So now, every single other member of staff concentrates solely on making and marketing our famous breadcakes.
We are the home of the breadcake after all, sir. Locally made. For you. Today. For all your breadcake needs."
Customer (picking up rolling pin): "Bend over...."
|... If BBC local radio were bakers.|
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