31.12.10

2011: THE YEAR WE'LL BE GETTING

The problem with making predictions, as all mystics, psychics, fashion experts, political pundits, weathermen, sports commentators and astrologers know only too well, is that it is all a massive stab in the dark.

It's not an exact science and far too often can result in a Coalition Government, Snowmaggeddon, Qatar getting the World Cup or having a warehouse full of a neon-orange flares during Paris Fashion Week.

It's the reason Nostradamus was so vague in his observations, and also why he only ever wore Levis Classic straight leg.

Yes, only an idiot would make detailed and precise predictions for the coming year.

And so here they are....

 2011: THE YEAR WE'LL BE GETTING

JANUARIT
Susan Boyle is made a Lord in the Queens New Year's Honours List.
She is later found semi-conscious in an Oddbins near the Palace trying to swap her medal for a bottle of Buckfast.

In Parliamentary news, the NHS, DFS and ELO are merged in an odd piece of semi-coherent legislation that is rushed through both Houses and looks suspiciously like it was scribbled on an eye chart.
Jeff Lynne becomes Surgeon General.

International playboy and part-time President of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, is assaulted in the face with a small replica synagogue.


The Daily Express reports that there is a pill that can eat cancer and lower house prices.

FEBROONEY
After repeated air-brushing of his face, the Prime Minister David Cameron finally loses his profile definition and has the appearance of a candy floss with a face. In order to stop his face dissipating into the ether like a fart in the wind, the Royal College of Surgeons create an emergency containment field of synthetic skin-like substance.
Then draw a face on it.


In sport Tiger Woods wears his dirty mushroom down to a nub and finally goes blind.
As a mark of respect Nike bring out a range of white sticks (emblazoned with the slogan 'Just Feel It')

MARSH
At an astonishing press conference on the White House lawn President Obama screams "JUST WHAT DO YOU FUCKING PEOPLE WANT? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT DO I HAVE TO FUCKING DO, YOU WITLESS CUNTBUCKETS?" for about 30 minutes into the blubbery, crying faces of the assembled Fox News reporters.


A new flavour of biscuit is discovered in a lab in Cardiff. The Daily Express claims it can cure Alzheimer's.


International playboy and part-time President of Italy, Silvio Berlisconi, is assaulted in the face with a small replica mosque.


APRES
It's a right Royal Weddingalooza throughout the whole of March. The regal nuptials of Prince William of Englandshire and his main squeeze, Katie Price, take place amid a carnival atmosphere in the heart of Westminster.
 
Despite initial objections from the Archbishop of Canterbury, the 6 hour foam-party/ Burlesque-themed rave goes ahead and is broadcast on all media, with a special 'uncut' version transmitted after 10pm on Television X.
Unfortunately, a commemorative tea-towel of the happy day is withdrawn from sale three weeks before the big day as it contains unhealthy levels of cynicism and arsenic.


In other news, Bruce Forsyth agrees to host a new series of Strictly Cunts Dancing, despite having died in January. He also moans about not being given a peerage again.
Like he even fucking deserves one, the hop-scotching old skeleton.

MAIM
The Daily Express reports that there is a pill that can make fat people into world class vintners.



The Walt Disney company cause a diplomatic row when closer inspection of the fine print in their negotiations to acquire the Godzilla franchise means the transportation and ownership of the actual Godzilla.
In it's first week at its new home in a specially designed holding pen at Disneyland Paris, the 80 foot radioactive lizard eats 8 Frenchmen and a Belgian.


JEWN
Despite selling-out in record time last October, absolutely nobody turns up to the Glastonbury festival this year as it is on the telly all the fucking time.
Michael Eavis has a lie in.

An administrative error means that Nick Grimmy Grimshaw isn't informed of this and spends the whole of his Radio One show bothering a farmhand milking a fresian.


International playboy and part-time President of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, is assaulted in the face with a small replica Stonehenge.

JEWLY
London Mayor Boris Johnson is found wandering Waterloo Bridge in his pants muttering about the impending 2012 Olympic Games. He is described by paramedics on the scene as looking "seriously fucked" and "blathering like a snot-faced baby" who give him a Snickers and one of those silver blankets that marathon runners get given.


The financial crisis comes to an abrupt end when grass is made the new international currency. Sales of the Qualcast Concorde go through the roof whilst allotments are raided for packets of grass seed that have been stored by counterfeiting gangs.

AUGMUCH
Is only 13 days long this year and most of them are Wednesdays.


The Black Eyed Peas release an album made up entirely of owl hoots and the telephone answering service of the various Peas. It becomes their biggest-selling album, going to Number 1 in 42 countries, and produces the biggest-selling single in the history of recorded sound with "Go On, Show Us 'Em (Or Just Pop 'Em In The Post)" which contains the entire 40 minute-long drunken midnight pleadings of Will.I.Am to see Cheryl Cole in her pants set to a backing track of the looped night screeches of a tawny owl.



SEPTEMBER 11th
On the eve of the 10th Anniversary of the Twin Towers falling over, a curious FBI wonk finds Osama Bin Laden in a supply cupboard in the Pentagon's main ballroom having a Teddy Bear's Picnic with Madeleine McCann and Richey Edwards from the Manic Street Preachers.


In entertainment news - after last year's scandal about the use of Autotune to make the feeble warblings of chubby shopkeepers sound halfway decent, it is discovered that ITV's The X Factory has been using Autoview, a device that conceals the true appearance of Sharon Osborne.
 
Once it is switched off over 320,000 HD televisions commit suicide.


OCTOPUS
International playboy and part-time President of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, is assaulted in the face with a small replica Hanging Gardens Of Babylon.


A goat named Albert becomes President of Malawi. The outgoing President Bingu wa Mutharika is quoted as saying "Fuck it, let's give the goat a go...We might as well."


The Daily Express reports that there is a pill that can bring back Princess Diana.


REMEMBER, REMEMBER
Prince Philip creates another diplomatic row when he rests a cup of Bovril on Kim Jong Il's head during a state visit to North Korea.


Ringo Starr announces he would like people to start writing to him again as he is "feeling a bit left out, la.."


There's travel chaos in England as an East Coast mainline train arrives at its destination at its scheduled time, throwing the timetables into disarray.


DECIMEMBER
A sudden snowfall in Berkshire that lasts for 6 hours dominates the 24 hour news networks. Forty three people are killed in the ensuing Grit-Scuffles.


The must-have toy for Christmas this year is the Hoop and Stick.
Close second is the Nintendo Laser Bear.


On a visit to the Italian parliament Pope Benedict is assaulted in the face with a small replica Silvio Berlusconi.


The Daily Express reports that there is a pill that makes muslims celebrate Christmas.


THAT'S YOUR YEAR - GO AND HAVE IT.

HAPPY MMXI!! 

28.12.10

2010: THE YEAR WE HAVE JUST HAD

They say 'A week is a long time in politics', and when I say They I mean particularly witless Politicians.

And when They say long they mean more than about 4 hours a day (including a long lunch), 3 days a week (tops), with a massive fucking chunk off in the summer holidays, another massive chunk at Christmas to go dancing the mambo quite badly, a week or two at Easter, an hour for Hannukah and all of Pancake Day.

Scrub that.
A week in politics is a fucking doddle.

Politicians don't know what they're bloody talking about.

So.
Start again.

They say a day is a long time in a sewerage treatment plant, and it probably is - but is it as long as
2010: THE YEAR WE'VE JUST HAD?

No.
It's not.
It's a lot less.

A 365th to be precise.

But let's not let that put is off this Year In Re-Phew!

No, let's put on our thickest waders, some suitably waterproof clothing, a double pair of socks, some hefty gloves and an inordinate supply of tetanus shots as we wade through the mire of shite that was -

2010: THE YEAR WE HAVE JUST HAD

JANUARUM
After a secret briefing on the state of the UK's economy, the unelected Prime Minister Gordon Brown sees in the New Year by stripping to the waist (from the bottom-up), screaming "Why me?? Why fucking me, Tony??" before heading to a barn and kicking an owl in its beak while off his head on Faustenkaltenbrau during a less than diplomatic visit to Bramley.
He blames 'Sue' for it.


The tallest man-made structure to date, the Burj Khalifa in Dubai is officially opened by Su Pollard.
When asked why Su Pollard, the current ruler of Dubai Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum laughed "Money is no object, Miss Cathcart!", whilst dressed as Ted Bovis.
In her speech Ms Pollard said "It's certainly very High De High!" to absolute silence.


A 7.0 magnitude earthquake occurs in Haiti devastating the nation's capital, Port Au Prince. With a confirmed death toll over 230,000. it is not remotely funny. But it does mean that my old Uni pal Nick Davis keeps turning up on the proper serious BBC TV News in a series of harrowing on the scene reports, while I produce Late Night local radio segments like 'Tell Us Your Funniest Shop Name' and 'How Old Is Your Fridge?'
I feel ashamed.
Then get over it.


Meanwhile. back in the UK The Daily Express announces the news that a Magic Pill can cure cancer and simultaneously lower the chances of heart disease and make you less obese.
It can't, of course, as it doesn't exist but this won't stop this sorry excuse for a newspaper from running over 200 more of these bullshit headlines throughout the fucking year.


FEBRUARUARUARY
EVERYONE IN THE WORLD STAYS UP TO WATCH THE WINTER OLYMPICS scream the headlines from the Toronto Mercury.
This is later discovered to be absolute maple-covered moose-shit.

Even Eddie-The-Fly-Like-An-Eagle-Edwards goes to bed early.
Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards, a British Olympic ski jumper from Cheltenham
He dreams of sunshine and beaches.
And drinking his first can of Lilt.


Chile records an earthquake of 8.8 on the Richter scale in a bid to outdo Haiti. The International Community tut loudly and call the sullen Chileans to task, telling them it's 'not a competition' and that the only time they are wasting is their own time.


During the first ever British televised debate to determine which of the Leaders of the three main political parties we would least object to forming an alliance in order to rid us of the other one, time drags on to such an extent that two of the participants show just how much they regret having quite so much complimentary water and how desperately they need to take a little break.
Meanwhile the other just 'whistles while he works' against the back of his podium.


Staying with politics, and the MP's expenses scandal continues when it is discovered that the Lib Dem MP Lembit Opik has been claiming for a second Cheeky Girl.
 


MERCH.
Available at the foyer.


APRILLE
An Icelandic mountain farts it's ash over most of Europe, blotting out the sun.
No-one in Barnsley notices.
Coincidentally, the name of the volcano is the well-known Barnsley phrase for 'I beg your pardon? Who are you calling a yokel..?' (Eyjafjallajökull).


In the world of entertainment, on her way home from a swanky nightclub the singer and shampoo saleswoman Cheryl Cole grabs all the headlines - they are from a newspaper-vendor's stall, causing him to have to write them all out again. In his big pen.


Something upsets The Daily Mail. They blame immigration, whilst simultaneously offering their readers to become immigrants themselves by winning a farmhouse in the Dordogne in a Sudoku competition.



MAY
Scientists announce that they have created a functional Artificial Gnome.
The imaginatively -titled and well-respected American scientific journal SCIENCE reported that the controversial Venter group had successfully synthesized the Gnome called Vector 12 (or 'Gavin') and that he would be able to fish from a toadstool without any detriment to the eco-system.


The Americans discover ecology as the Deepwater Horizon BP oil platform explodes in the Gulf of Mexico. The resulting oil spill, one of the largest in history (and it's BRITISH!), spreads for several months, damaging the waters and the United States coastline.
This is apparently a problem.
It seems Americans are much happier when they are fighting and killing Johnny Foreigner for their oil rather than wringing it out of an Osprey.


The Grand Old Former Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, gets royally pissed and tells a fake sheik from the News Of  The World that she knows Prince Andrew. This turns out not be true.

Earlier in the month, May 4th is with us.


CHOOON
It appears that we have a new unelected Prime Minister, the Rt Hon David Cameron, to replace the old unelected Prime Minister, Gordon Brown.

What seemed at the time like an over-zealous practical joke on all politicians by the electorate turns out to be a horrible, horrible reality. The Conservative/Liberal Coalition had been in power a month before anyone relaised. This is also the first government to be announced in the form of a commemorative cup in over 70 years.


Sport! And against the advice and wisdom of the rest of the International Footballist Community, Postman Pat selects some of  the youngest, thickest millionaires in the Country Of  Ingurland to join him in a futile quest to bring Football reluctantly home from South Africa.


To the delight and relief of children everywhere, Michael Jackson remains dead.
Because they'll have seen that video.
Where he's a zombie...
What?
What??


JULYLE
Postman Pat apologises for not bringing football home.
Apparently it prefers to live in Spain these days.


Belgium takes over the Presidency of the Council of the European Union from Spain.
No-one gives a tinkers cuss. Not even Poirot.


Mister Williams gives up smoking after 14 years of not looking the least bit Cool.
Ever.

AUGHAST
Mister Williams takes up Blogging in an attempt to stave off cravings. It is an overnight sensation resulting in SEVEN followers almost immediately. He is currently waiting on an Eighth.
An Eighth FOLLOWER, that is.
Don't let the picture above confuse you...


Due to the dire state of the Global Economonomy, it is agreed that from 2011 the month of August is to be reduced by a third. The August Bank Holiday weekend will be merged with Ramadhan.
This means that the annual Reading/Leeds Festival will now be held at Mecca.
And there are to be no on-site catering facilities.

Or bars.


 The new Coalition Government proposes that has its own cow to provide free milk for schoolchildren. Unruly pupils, the ones who text knife-crime ringtones to one another, are to be made to attend school early to Milk The School Cow.


Lady Gaga is given the Freedom of Norwich.
She declines it.


SEPTEMBER 11th
To celebrate the 9th year of not being able to catch Osama Bin Laden the United States right-wing media tries to obstruct the renovation of a abandoned raincoat factory into an Islamic outreach centre (or TERROR MOSQUE) a mile and a half away from the site of Ground Zero (or AT GROUND ZERO) until they realise that its funder is Rupert Murdoch's business partner.
So he's their Boss.
 FoxTalal-diagram
And their viewers are funding said TERROR MOSQUE - as illustrated here by the peerless Jon Stewart on The Daily Show.
No more is said on the matter.



Mister Williams turns 40 with far fewer histrionics and far more pictures of a Spanish cathedral than anyone could have anticipated.



The world's press are gathered in Santa Monica for the unveiling of Apple's latest gadget, the I-Patch. An immediate commercial success, the I-Patch enables it's users to look like Bond Villains and/or Pirates for just $330.


Gavin The Artifically Created Gnome wins BB10.


OKTOBERFEST
Thirty-three Bono impersonators near Copiapó, Chile, trapped 700 metres underground in a miming accident in the San José Mime, are brought back to the surface after surviving a recording for 69 days.
    File:Mina San José - Luis Urzúa - Gobierno de Chile.jpg
Each one emerges from an extravagantly enormous Neon Lemon in a cloud of dry-ice singing U2 classics from 'Deseo' to 'Domingo Bloody Domingo' to 'Donde Las Calles no Tienen NinguÌ n Nombre'.
They are met on the surface by a confused Jim Kerr.

Later it emerges that forty-two Edge impersonators, twenty-three Larry Mullen impersonators and one of  That Other Fella In The Glasses had all been left down there.


Elsewhere, Brian Blessed has a haircut.
It's not what he asked for...


NO!VEMBER
During a recording of  Children In Need one of the mice that operates Robbie Williams eyes dies under the studio lights giving the Norman Wisdom of Pop an odd stare that puts the rest of  Take That off their miming.
Gary Barlow subsequently demands that each venue that the reformed band play is kitted out with at least three mice who can ride the tiny bike inside Robbie's head.


Burmese opposition politician Aung San Suu Kyi is released from her house arrest mumbling 'Look at the state of this bloody garden..' and 'Aren't the Juntas looking younger these days?'


Derek Griffiths is released from Guantanemo Bay.
He had been held by the US authorities without charge since 1981.
He vows never to Playaway again.


Oh, and some students get arsey and break some windows.
The Mail & The Express have a shit-fit.
(See here)


DECMEMBERED
Prince William announces he will marry Katie Price if Ingurland do not get to play at being the World Cup in 2018.
 
His plan backfires and Kensington Palace is painted slut-pink throughout.


At the thought of Christmas, Mister Williams remembers the Summer job he had working twelve hours a day at a conveyor-belt, putting the lids on mince pies in a poorly ventilated baked-goods factory when he was a student.
He subsequently feels bilious.


Over in the United States the must-have toy for Christmas 2010 is the Transformer 'Spastic'.
Seriously.
The Transformer 'Spastic'.
Look...
(I genuinely haven't made that up either.)


To celebrate another year of destroying the charts and minds of music lovers everywhere, Simon Cowell unlocks the padlock on his spooky abandoned X Factory, a special lock-up garage he uses EVERY FUCKING YEAR for the shooting of the karaoke competition Winner's obligatory video.



The Queen wastes her annual Christmas message to tell us all about Sport as if we are 5 year-old bedwetters who've never heard of it. Her Majesty evidently hasn't been informed about how thoroughly shit we are at Sport as she bangs on about "crowds of people playing pole-vaulting on village greens across England".
This feeble festive call-to-arms/midwinter muttering DOES have some effect though, as it inspires our previously drunken cricketing oafs to wrestle an old egg cup away from some convicts in a barely visually-entertaining tournament that we can only hear being audio-described by some insomniacs that have somehow gained access to microphones on BBC 5Live.


AND FINALLY...
It snowed a bit.
(See here)



So that was MMX - as absolutely no-one called it.
But what will MMXI have in store for us?



Quick! Rush home from your shoppings for
Shoppers crowd into Selfridges department store as it opens for business this morningSelfridges crush

2011: THE YEAR WE'LL BE GETTING
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