27.4.11

MISTER WILLIAMS HATES JAZZ

I've just had to endure Jimmy Smith's version of 'Mack The Knife' and it as close to being a detainee at Guantanamo as I ever want to be.

Not only should it come with a Health Warning, it should also come with a direct-line telephone number to the Head of Amnesty International.

It's that bad.

Go on... try it.
I defy you to enjoy it.




It's not only bad - it's fucking endless!!

There are parts where it sounds like he's drinking a yard-of-ale with one hand while tapping-out a coded message with the other...

HELP. STOP. 
AM TRAPPED IN FUCKING JAZZ-BAND. STOP. 
SEND HELP. STOP. 
PLEASE MAKE IT. STOP.

... and at another point it sounds like he's put his lunch down on the Wurlitzer's keyboard and forgotten that the lid is up.

GOD, I HATE JAZZ!!!
I hate jazz so much I should be called Johnny*.

It's not sophisticated, it's not cool, it's not GOOD.



"Fuck off, Acker."
 A colleague asked me "How can you not like jazz? It's where ALL music comes from...."

Then how come it sounds like where all music has been fucking dumped?

Like a massive, stinking, abandoned, rotting landfill of sound.

I know there's a degree of technical skill involved in making the instrument you are blowing, plucking or battering sound like a fire in a fucking pet shop but I really don't need to know all the fucking notes that are rattling inside your head right now.

Just play the fucking tune!!!

Not the notes around the tune, not some notes you think the writer has left out, not the ones that you and your fret-wanking key-slapping friends are enjoying more than your audience - BUT THE FUCKING NOTES TO THE TUNE!!




You wouldn't make up the ending of an Agatha Christie or add another couple to double-date with Romeo & Juliet or draw a massive wanger on Van Gogh's Sunflowers  - SO DON'T FUCKING DO IT TO MUSIC, YOU ARROGANT, GITANES-SMOKING TWATS!!!


"Ah, much better...!"


As for 'scat' - that's just nasty.
You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

By the way, Jazz Greats, you're not cool just because you're in black & white, you know. It's just that nobody wants to see your pock-marked, booze-addled, junkie, syphillitic faces in full, putrid, Retch-icolour.





Have you never wondered, Jazzers, why you're kept in basements?

I reckon that the reason they were all junkies and drunks is probably because they had to take something to numb the pain and get them through the fact that they had to play jazz all the fucking time.

I suppose it's a good thing that there are lots of Jazz Clubs dotted all around the country to house these bastards, so we know where they all are and can avoid them.

Otherwise they'd be loose in normal society...

‎"Hello, Jazz Ceramics? It's about this double-handed teapot with five fucking spouts you've sent me..."


"Is that the Post Office? One of your employees is doodling bits on my Gran's postcards from Guernsey. Could you ask him to stop?"


"YES I WANT A HAPPY MEAL, NOW STOP SCATTING AT ME!! IT'S DISGUSTING!!"


So fuck off out of my ears Dizzy, Coltrane, Mingus, Satchmo, Ginger, Bernie, Monk, Bruebeck, Basie, Beiderbeck, Jellyroll, Artie, Fats, Chet, Miles, Herbie, Buddy, Bird, Sonny, Sun Ra, Rueben, Lonnie and especially you, Jimmy Smith.

In fact, all of you, just fuck off.




And take those shades off indoors.

Who the fuck do you think you are?
Bono?



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(*A top quality gag - callously stolen from the brilliant mind of Rachel Jacobsen!)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Fuck you mister williams. :)
Bono