Not only should it come with a Health Warning, it should also come with a direct-line telephone number to the Head of Amnesty International.
It's that bad.
Go on... try it.
I defy you to enjoy it.
There are parts where it sounds like he's drinking a yard-of-ale with one hand while tapping-out a coded message with the other...
AM TRAPPED IN FUCKING JAZZ-BAND. STOP.
SEND HELP. STOP.
PLEASE MAKE IT. STOP.
I hate jazz so much I should be called Johnny*.
It's not sophisticated, it's not cool, it's not GOOD.
|"Fuck off, Acker."|
Then how come it sounds like where all music has been fucking dumped?
Like a massive, stinking, abandoned, rotting landfill of sound.
I know there's a degree of technical skill involved in making the instrument you are blowing, plucking or battering sound like a fire in a fucking pet shop but I really don't need to know all the fucking notes that are rattling inside your head right now.
- SO DON'T FUCKING DO IT TO MUSIC, YOU ARROGANT, GITANES-SMOKING TWATS!!!
|"Ah, much better...!"|
As for 'scat' - that's just nasty.
You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
By the way, Jazz Greats, you're not cool just because you're in black & white, you know. It's just that nobody wants to see your pock-marked, booze-addled, junkie, syphillitic faces in full, putrid, Retch-icolour.
Have you never wondered, Jazzers, why you're kept in basements?
I reckon that the reason they were all junkies and drunks is probably because they had to take something to numb the pain and get them through the fact that they had to play jazz all the fucking time.
I suppose it's a good thing that there are lots of Jazz Clubs dotted all around the country to house these bastards, so we know where they all are and can avoid them.
Otherwise they'd be loose in normal society...
"Is that the Post Office? One of your employees is doodling bits on my Gran's postcards from Guernsey. Could you ask him to stop?"
"YES I WANT A HAPPY MEAL, NOW STOP SCATTING AT ME!! IT'S DISGUSTING!!"
So fuck off out of my ears Dizzy, Coltrane, Mingus, Satchmo, Ginger, Bernie, Monk, Bruebeck, Basie, Beiderbeck, Jellyroll, Artie, Fats, Chet, Miles, Herbie, Buddy, Bird, Sonny, Sun Ra, Rueben, Lonnie and especially you, Jimmy Smith.
In fact, all of you, just fuck off.
And take those shades off indoors.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
THEN JOIN THE FB GROUP:
(*A top quality gag - callously stolen from the brilliant mind of Rachel Jacobsen!)