11.5.11

TALK ABOUT... PAP MUZAK

What can you say about Jedward that hasn't already been said?


They are talented artists with their own uncompromising agenda, inspiring thousands of young people to study music with their stylish melodies and thought-provoking lyrics. They are the voices of a disenfranchised generation whose artistic credibility is only matched by their prolific and eclectic output.

    


Men want to be them.
Women want to be with them.


There.
That's something that's never been said of Jedward before.

What is more commonly said of them is that they are irritating, dim-witted, talentless, tone-deaf, Fairground-gonk-haired, corporate puppets... but did you know that they are irritating, dim-witted, talentless, tone-deaf, Fairground-gonk-haired, corporate puppets who just happen to have raked in £3million pounds last year?

That's right.

THREE. MILLION. POUNDS.


They haven't made that money from their 'music', the kind of caterwauling ear-rape that makes the Cheeky Girls sound like the collected works of  Nat King Cole. Christ no! They have been given that money by big companies such as Kelloggs Coco Pops and moneysupermarket.com, to endorse their products.

Normally, an endorsement would make you want to or emulate or aspire to be that person, to carry off their sense of style. It's the reason Omega sponsor James Bond movies and why Louis Vitton paid Angelina Jolie £6.5million, because no matter how much money you have you cannot buy sophistication and good looks.


Even the most affluent business-person secretly wants to be 007 or Lara Croft - and by buying a handbag or a big shiny watch they can fool themselves for a little while.

(and, Yes, I am aware that Pierce Brosnan hasn't played James Bond since 2002, but he is still epitome of the smooth and charming characterisation of Bond. Daniel Craig may be the ruthless assassin -James Bond, but have you seen him recently? 
 

 He looks like Mr Shifter from the old PG Tips ads. The only thing he could flog is tea.)

So I can understand the need for celebrity endorsements, people pay to emulate characteristics of their heroes.

But who the fuck wants to be Jedward??

What does that say about a company that despises its customers so much that they inflict these prancing, screeching, hyperactive, sexless gimps upon them?

The only consolation to knowing that these pricks have been given three million pounds -despite being so shite at dancing and singing that one of them didn't even notice that the noise coming from his brother were squeals of agony as he'd just broken his leg in a "routine" - is that they must be sued one day soon for breach of copyright after nicking the entire "Double-Take Brothers" act from Harry Enfield.

And now, in another astonishing case of life imitating art, Jedward are representing Ireland at the Eurovision Song Contest, presumably singing a cover of "My Lovely Horse".


I bet Father Dick Byrne is livid!

Not only are they going to have to 'lose that sax solo', they're going to have to burn any instruments associated with the fucking dirge.

For those masochists among you who haven't heard the song it's called "Lipstick" and you can go and find it on the internet, if you must.
Go on.
I'm not doing your fucking dirty work for you.

Ireland has a proud history when it comes to Eurovision, they have been in all but two of the competitions since 1965. According to Wikipedia:


Ireland won the Contest for the first time in 1970 with Dana performing "All Kinds of Everything". In total, Ireland has won the Contest seven times, more than any other country, including an unprecedented three consecutive victories in the 1990s (1992, 1993 and 1994 - the most consecutive wins accumulated by a country to date). The decade also saw yet another victory in 1996 and two second place finishes (in 19901997), which gives Ireland the best overall performance by any country in the history of the Contest.

So you can see why they would want to give themselves a good old breather and not bother hosting the fecking thing for a good few years yet. It is the ONLY possible explanation for letting these cretinous prannocks anywhere near the World stage.

Still it is a massive gamble on Ireland's part. You see, Jedward only achieved their fame through a series of telephone votes on a popular talent show in Britain. The public, knowing full well that they are a steaming shower of tuneless shite, voted them in again and again at the expense of other, better performers.

Then, last year, the Irish public voted these lolloping imbeciles to represent them at the Eurovision Song Contest, ahead of (presumably) other, better performers.

And now they are ready to face a global audience of up to 600 million people. That means that 600 million people will see these gangling twats and automatically think of Ireland. Ireland will become synonymous with Jedward.

Have you thought this through, Ireland?

I mean, we all know you love the craic (even though you cannot spell it) but are you sure you want to go through with this?

In the office we have two sweepstakes a year. One for the Grand National and one for the Eurovision Song Contest. It's aways worth a punt because the competitions are both so wildly unpredictable... but that is where the similarity ends.

Unfortunately, if Jedward aren't successful there won't be a kindly vet with a tarpaulin to put them out of our misery.



The bookies are slashing the odds right now, and there's a chance that Jedward could win. Part of the contest does go on a public phone vote these days.

They could win, Ireland.



For the benefit of anyone who may be reading this where Eurovision has not spread it's camp tentacles, let me explain what this contest is about. Initially it was set up, in 1956, as a way to bring a broken and war-ravaged Europe together in a celebration of music and song in an annual competition among the "active member countries of the European Broadcasting Union".

In recent years it has become a farcical, block-voting, parade of novelty songs that embarrass all concerned.

An indecipherable map of European Countries (and Israel) who have won Eurovision

It's almost exactly like every World Cup, Olympic and Winter Olympic opening ceremony that has ever taken place - complete with impenetrable folk tales and massive mascots - but also with added drag queens, and set to a soundtrack of tooth-wobblingly awful disco/rock/rhumba/pop/folk.


It is a weird and baffling experiment that never quite works, largely due to the mixture of music and politics. It's like a local council meeting with everyone performing hits from The Rocky Horror Picture Show just before discussing plans for a new bypass.

Previous winners have included a Finnish death-metal band,who look like they guard Mount Doom during the day, and an Israeli transsexual who looked like a thin Nigella Lawson being attacked by some budgerigars.




Like I say, Jedward are favourites and represent Ireland - but what of the Nation that gave the World The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Deep Purple, Elton John, Genesis, Kate Bush, The Kinks, Radiohead, The Jam, T-Rex, Cream, The Stone Roses, Oasis, Led Zepellin, Blur, Madness, Pink Floyd, David Bowie, Black Sabbath, New Order/Joy Division, Elvis Costello, Pulp, Iron Maiden, Tom Jones, The Who, Queen, Arctic Monkeys, The Specials and Chas & Dave?

Who are we sending to fight the flag for Great Britain?

Who can redeem our sad, sad record of failure in this illustrious contest?

Blue.

Yeah. Blue.

Remember Blue? The boyband your sister liked? Blue.
Well, they've reformed despite public demand.

No, not them. That's Take That.

I'm talking about Blue.

No, you're thinking of Westlife.
Or possibly Boyzone.
They were very big in the 90's.. I think.

Or was that A1.
Or am I thinking of 911?

No, I mean East 17.

Brother Beyond?
Another Level? Busted!
Hang on. Am I thinking of 5ive?
Or is it JLS?

The Chuckle Brothers??

Shit.
Who the fuck are Blue again?

Look, we're not going to win so why are we sending anyone at all. We're especially not going to win if we keep sending fucking identikit-numpties like fucking Blue.

If we had taken Eurovision seriously we should have sent Paul McCartney on his own, with just a guitar, every year since 1965, and just got him to sing "Yesterday".


Job done.

Either that or send a joke team, like Ireland have, to take the sting out of not winning a shit contest we don't even want to take part in anymore.


Hmm. I wonder where Stavros Flatley's patriotic loyalties lie?

Anyone got their number?



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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ah, Blue: wasn't it one of the them who said in the immediate aftermath of the attack, something along the lines of "who cares about the Twin Towers when elephants are dying every day?"?

Mister W said...

Yes. It was the singing White Van Man, Lee Ryan who said:
"Who gives a fuck about New York when elephants are being killed??".

He also said:
"Who cares about the Twin Towers when Dolphins are dying in fisherman's nets"

But then again, as he puts it:
“They say if you’re left handed and dyslexic you only use the creative side of your brain. It’s very rare to be left handed and dyslexic, so I’m a bordering genius.”

Duncan, his carer, quickly corrected him: “A borderline genius."
Thanks, Dunc.

Nimrods.